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Author Topic: Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8  (Read 3589 times)

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Offline Thedeacon

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« on: April 12, 2003, 06:53:31 AM »
The story that started a long line of poorly written drivel full of plotholes!  Great reading while to take a shit!  Why hell, you can use my writing to wipe ur cornhole with even!



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My pet humped that table harder than I've EVER seen before. I hate to think where the splinters ended up...



Metaphysical Demon: You like that b***h? Say my name, yeah say it. Yeah, that's what daddy likes to here



Table: ......



Belamorte: Mmmm-MM! that table's gonna have a hard time sitting down tomorrow



Metaphysical Demon (smacks the table high on the leg): Evoke THIS baby! 200 more to my hump rating!



Belamorte (taking a seat on the couch and frantically waving its tentacles): Yeah! Yeah! get 'em demon! ooooo yeah. You so crazy.



Thedeacon (Desperately trying to shoot Veteran Enforcer at point blank range...and missing): Veteran Enforcer, you're a total 'sploiter! I have the barrel of my gun INSIDE your buttcheeks. How can I be missing?



Veteran Enforcer: Because j00 suXx0r f00. Only a gimp could miss me with half the barrel of an x-3 rifle tickling my colon. But a better question is. Why isn't that pink iguana and the floating testicle helping you?



Thedeacon: right on, Veteran Enforcer. Hold up a sec (walks into the next room) Hey, what the hell are you guys doi---JESUS CHRIST!



Metaphysical Demon (zips his lizard skin up): WOAH hey....deacon! glad to see you



Thedeacon: Dude.



Veteran Enforcer (stops clubbing deacon): Dude.



Belamorte (tentacles immediately going into a slack position) um...yeah. Duuuuude. BAD demon!



Metaphysical Demon: this...isn't what it looks like



Table: ......



Thedeacon: ......



Veteran Enforcer: OMG! Veteran Manhunter, you GOTTA come see this! No, not you, Veteran Manhunter, the other one. Yeah, I know, it happens to me too. No no, not you either. The OTHER Vete--BOB, damnit. Get Bob's ass over here and check this out!



Thedeacon (grabbing Metaphysical Demon by the ear and walking him to the entrance) And don't tell me you're genderless. I've seen the zipper before. Yes sir, I've seen it...



Metaphysical Demon: It's the evocation nano! it MADE me do it! Gimme another fix baby. I'll follow you this time, I won't hump....that...SEXY table (gives the table a wink and nods his head). cmon deac, one fix. JUST ONE (smacks the crook of his arm where deacon sees a long line of needle track marks)



Thedeacon: Step number one is admitting you have a problem.





Part TWO of the continuing saga of a man, his pets and some suspiciously sticky furniture.



Place: Tir, by the grid. The OLD grid, not the new grid.



Metaphysical Demon (visibly shaking): Deacon, I?m NOT addicted to evocation buffs. I can TOTALLY quit anytime dude. Just need?one?more.



Thedeacon: Look at you, you?re a mess! You?re walking into walls and you can?t hit anything when you fight!



Metaphysical Demon: Um, Deacon? Are you new here? I?ve always walked into walls and the last thing I hit was a leet?And that was by accident.



Thedeacon: ?You got a point there.



Metaphysical Demon, clearly agitated, makes a play for Deacon?s ncu belt



Thedeacon: Woah! Holy s**t man, I spent time in prison, but the door does NOT usually swing that way unless there?s money or food involved!



Metaphysical Demon: Need?Evocation?Nano?Pink elephant?dancing..



Thedeacon (wrapping his arms around his pet): Awww, there there. It?s going to be okay, you just need the love and support of your fami?



Metaphysical Demon: EVOKE ME! EVOKE ME LONG AND HARD UNTIL I COLLAPSE IN YOUR ARMS, EXHAUSTED FROM MULTIPLE EVOKATIONS!



Thedeacon: Don?t make me take a switch to your hinder mister. What do I look like to you, a buff machine?



Metaphysical Demon: ??.



Belamorte: ??



Level 175MA: Gimme mokies, b***h.



Thedeacon: Yeah sur?wait. I?m not giving you jack, buddy. I?m trying to teach my pets a lesson about not giving into the needs of others, just because they demand it. Friendship is based on love and trust not---



Level 175MA: Shutup and gimme the mokies, or I?ll rawk you in the arena with my uberness.



Thedeacon looks at Metaphysical Demon, who in turn looks at Belamorte..



Thedeacon: HAHAHAHAHAHA



Metaphysical Demon: HAHAHAHA Oh please, no more, you?re killing me!



Belamorte (rolling on the ground): HAHAHAHAHA That?s a good one!



Thedeacon: Dude, did you forget what patch this was or something? It?s 14.7.1. You?re a gimp now.



Level 175MA: Oh that?s the kettle calling the pot black, petboy. At least I can still get a team.



Belamorte: Ooooh, he has a point there, Deacon.



Thedeacon: ?I could?if I wanted to. But hey wait. Aren?t you the guy that got spanked by an enforcer?s damage shield? Oh yeah, now I remember you. Then that fixer snared you and it took you fifteen minutes to run out of the arena. Don?t you remember me? I?m the guy that pulled your pants down and smacked your butt until you cried like a little girl. Loser. Go stand in the corner with the engineers and?um?Metaphysicists.



Level 175MA (lips trembling): *sniff* You guys are really mean. I?I?

*runs off crying*



Metaphysical Demon furrows his brow seriously at Deacon and Belamorte crosses his tentacles sternly



All three together: BWAHAHAHAHA!!!



Thedeacon: *guffaw* heh, that was good. But there?s still the problem of your addiction, Metaphysical Demon. We could see a good doctor, but we all know they are ninja looting, overpriced bloodsuckers?.We need cashflow?Where to get cash?



Clan Shopping 100+: RandomEngie: Tipping well for mochies MC/TS. Dear God, someone help me.



Metaphysical Demon: Yes, where WILL we get cash?.

Clan shopping 100+: RandomEngie: PAYING for Mocham?s gift. I hate life.



Thedeacon: Yes?money?How to make it?



Clan Shopping 100+: ALOT. Paying that is. And hating my life.



Belamorte: Um, guys?



Clan Shopping 100+: RandomEngie: Maybe you misunderstood me?PAYING. For. Mochies. Need. Metaphysicist. Someone. Kill. Me.



Belamorte: Deacon?



Thedeacon: Quiet, Belamorte! We?re trying to think here!



Belamorte: ?.



Thedeacon: Eureka! I know what to do and it?s brilliant enough to work! We?ll CHARGE for our buffs!



Belamorte: ?.



Thedeacon: Now to advertise a little?



Thedeacon reaches into his subspace inventory and produces a pad of paper and a Notum? marker and begins scrawling words



Thedeacon: Belamorte, hold onto this sign and wave it in front of anyone that passes by.



Belamorte: Cute, jackass. Did you miss the part where I have NO HANDS?



Thedeacon: I miss nothing, which is why I never leave home without a handy roll of---Where the hell is my tape? Metaphysical Demon, did you sell it for an evocation nano?



Metaphysical Demon (whistles innocently): What, who me? Oh sure, blame the demon. You lose your tape, you blame the demon. You die while I?m?.having relations with furniture, you blame the demon. Sticky table leg, you blame the demon. It was the inventory gnome?I swear it!



Inventory Gnome: Don?t even TRY and pin this on me, evocation junkie. I?ve been out of a job since 14.7.1 and resorted to selling my body to Enforcers. And we all know what freaks they are, with their 2 handed blunt weapons. My God, I haven?t sat down in a week! You don?t even wanna know what happens when they cast rage! Oh and Challenger. Oh God. Ow. Talk about a loosemeat sammich!



Metaphysical Demon (hands Thedeacon a roll of ICC approved Notum tape): Okay okay. I took your lousy tape, but I wasn?t going to sell it. I ran out of bikini wax for my---



Thedeacon: I got the point! ---And I must say, I?ve always wondered how you kept so baby smooth down there. Let me?



Metaphysical Demon (smacking away Thedeacon?s hand): Hey! No getting fresh unless an evocation is involved, buddy. We got work to do.



Thedeacon peels a long strip of tape, but finds the Notum strands difficult to cut



Metaphysical Demon: Here, let me cut that for you with my powerful flesh rendering claws.



Thedeacon: Yeah, you actually cut something. Oh that?s rich buddy. 10 credits says you miss the tape roll entirely.

Metaphysical Demon: That?s it, I think I?ve heard enough of your crap for one day, mister!



Thedeacon looks down to see the words ?You are being attacked by Metaphysical Demon? hang in thin air.



Metaphysical Demon: It?s a dog eat dog world, and you?re wearing Milkbone underwear! Blood!



Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

You parried the attack from Metaphysical Demon!



Metaphysical Demon: Woah! I cry foul! You know damn well you?ve never put IP into parry!



Thedeacon: Quiet down while I r0Xx0r j00r B0Xx0rs!



Attacking Metaphysical Demon

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage



Thedeacon: HOLY S**T! Dude, you cut me!



Metaphysical Demon: And there?s more where that came from, hookah! Time to catch a beatdown, gimpy!



Thedeacon: Pfft, you hit like a martial artist! Belamorte, heal me!



Belamorte: Yes master! Hold still while I squirt my healing juices on you!



Thedeacon: Ew. I always have to wash my hair when you do that. Sometime I?ll have to ask you what exactly it is you?re squirting on me and why it smells so bad.



Belamorte: you?re bald.



Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage



Thedeacon: Good point. But hey wait, you?re not healing me! Help, damnit!



Belamorte: I?m sorry master, I am unable to do that



You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

You tried to hit Metaphysical Demon, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon tried to hit you, but missed!

Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage

Metaphysical Demon hit you for 200 points of melee damage



Thedeacon: WTF? Dude, heal me!



Belamorte: I?m sorry master, I am unable to do that. Hehe.



Thedeacon (running frantically in circles, arms waving): HEEEEEEAAAAALLLL!



Belamorte (tentacles covering a snickering mouth): *giggle* I?m sorry master, I am *snicker* unable to do that. Hehe really, I can?t.



Omni Metaphysicist: Thedeacon? You there? I was wondering if your pet was available for a little hanky spanky? I just bought this new QL200 Golfe Prod and I?yknow. I?ll cast evocation on him twice if he can get here before the Viagra wears off.



To Omni Metaphysicist: What the hell? Listen pal, this is the thirtieth tell I?ve gotten in the past hour and I?m gonna tell you like I told the others. If anyone is gonna evoke MY Metaphysical Demon, it?s gonna be me! Now sod off!



Omni Metaphysicist: Well from what I heard, you ain?t been putting out.



To Omni Metaphysicist: Well..er..I?ve had a headache lately. You know, behind the sinuses.



Omni Metaphysicist: Uh huh. That?s what I used to say too. Need to borrow my Viagra?



Thedeacon: Only Omnis need Viagra.



Thedeacon: Metaphysical Demon, listen. Just because I don?t evoke you all the time doesn?t mean I don?t love you. You don?t need to go to other Metaphysicists. You?ll see that my evocations are even sweeter when you have to wait. Sometimes I just need to be held (outstretches his arms).



Metaphysical Demon: Don?t give me that ?I have needs too? crap, Deacon. I?m an 8 foot tall naked demon. You don?t think there?s Hentai fans on this planet that might want to get to know me better and give me a little evocation when their wives are away? And don?t get me started on Belamorte?s tentacles. I need to be evoked and I need it now! If you don?t have the goods, I?ll get it from someone that does.



Thedeacon: It?s not tha?hey, what are all those Band-Aids doing all over your---



Metaphysical Demon: Last night I tried to Evoke myself. I have claws Deacon. Claws.



Thedeacon: Ouch. Well anyways, I spoke to a Doctor about your condition and we both agree that this Evocation addiction is a nefarious plot by the evil Omni Tek Corporation (tm). We must stop them.



Belamorte: ?And what the hell would lead you to such a moronic conclusion, may I ask?



Thedeacon: Well isn?t everything a nefarious plot by the evil Omni Tek Corporation (tm)?



Belamorte: Good point. To the mission terminals we go.



Thedeacon: But my dear Belamorte, this is a dangerous mission we are about to embark on. We?re going to need brave souls to journey with us to our faraway destination and do battle to overthrow the tyrants! Victory shall be ours!



Belamorte: Ben Hur?



Thedeacon: Actually I was going for a bit of Kirk Douglas in ?Spartacus?.



Belamorte: You?ve been eating the mushrooms in the back of the fridge again, haven?t you?



Thedeacon: I?well, I?..Just one.



Enforcer shouts: TEAM 150+ LFM!



Thedeacon: Quiet guys! I think I may have just found us a team. Look tough or something.



Thedeacon (clearing his throat) shouts: 177 MP LFG!



Belamorte: Deacon, how are you able to pronounce ?lfg? and ?lfm??



Thedeacon: It?s pronounced ?liffug? and ?liffum?. Everyone loves me, so we should get invited to a team any second now.



<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>



Enforcer shouts: TEAM 150+ LFM!



Thedeacon (voice growing hoarse) shouts: 177 MP LFG!



Belamorte: Just an observation, but there IS still a ?Liffug? chat channel isn?t there?



Thedeacon: Only complete n00bs use the LFG channels. And we?re not n00bs, are we?



Belamorte (mumbles something about Deacon needing a common sense buff)



<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>



Thedeacon shouts: *GASP* 177?MP?*wheeze* LFG



Enforcer shouts: Is NOBODY here looking for a team?



Thedeacon: I AM!



Enforcer: Nobody? Oh well, I guess we go with five then.



Thedeacon: I AM LFG!



Enforcer: Heya Thedeacon!



Belamorte: Finally! My tentacles were starting to grow mold.



Enforcer: Could you hit me with BM and MC mokies? I?m about to go on a mission.



Thedeacon: ?.



Belamorte (sighs): Well I guess we?re going solo?.again



Thedeacon: Yes. Again. They didn?t invite us because they knew we?d just outshine them with our amazing powers, right?



Belamorte (sarcastically): Yeah, that?s it.



Our trio walks over to the nearest mission terminal and after much cajoling, finds a suitable mission, the reward being a set of hot pink underwear.



Thedeacon: Oooooh! Panties! That would go great with my?.Um, let?s go. This mission is in a faraway land called Broken Shores. I think you?ll like it there. They have this big pyram?



Metaphysical Demon: We know the place. We go there twelve times a day, every day, remember?



Thedeacon (looks around noticing for the first time that the Tir Grid Terminal is missing): Where?s the grid terminal at today?



Belamorte: Last night it was underwater, but people were actually able to find it, so they moved it outside of the city, where nobody in their right mind would think to look. Whoever thinks of these ideas needs a good hard spanking.



At the south gate?..



Metaphysical Demon: Why are you just standing at the gate Deacon? Go ahead, walk through it.



Thedeacon: I am, it?s just---Well I?m trying to. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to walk through an open doorway. I think I?ll just stand here in a frozen position for a few more minutes and think about how to take the next step.



-----Playshift error PF17690------



Belamorte: Woah, who just said that?



Thedeacon: I smell a nefarious plot by the evil Omni-Tek Corporation ?. Let me try again.



-----Playshift error PF17690------



Thedeacon: What the hell? Why can?t I go outside?



A small Opifex woman in black appears next to Thedeacon



ARK-Clueless: Greetings traveler, how may I be of assistance?



Thedeacon: Does it look like I?m traveling to you? I?m stuck inside of an open doorway. I can?t remember how to walk outside.



ARK-Clueless: Hmmm. Have you tried going outside and coming back in to see if that fixes the problem?



Thedeacon: Listen lady, that?s my problem. I can?t leave the friggin? city!



ARK-Clueless: Have you tried reinstalling Windows?



Thedeacon: My apartment doesn?t have windows. It?s a dirt room with a cactus and some porno mags.



ARK-Clueless: Are you running Linux with Wine?



Thedeacon: I?m not sure who this Linux person is, but if I had some wine I?d be getting drunk right about now instead of standing in this open doorway.



ARK-Clueless: Do you have the latest drivers?



Thedeacon: I treat my plane like I do my woman. Only one man drives them. Me



ARK-Clueless: *cough* and the guy working the Mongo Meat stand *cough*



Thedeacon: I tried to let Metaphysical demon drive once, but he took a crap in the pilot?s seat.



ARK-Clueless: Um, thank you for sharing that.



Thedeacon: Hey, how come your name?s green and mine is white?



ARK-Clueless: My name?s not green, it?s Maria and your name is Thedeacon. Sheesh, lay off the stims pal. Hmm, apparently my worthless and misinformed information has not helped you. I?m really batting a thousand. Think I?ll completely ditch you in your time of need now and waste a few minutes of someone else?s time. May the twin suns shine brightly on your back! (disappears)



Thedeacon: Yeah, screw you too.



After twelve fruitless attempts, Thedeacon remembers how to walk outside and within minutes is whisked away to the faraway land of Broken Shores.



Thedeacon: Well guys, this is good ol? BS.



Belamorte: It sure is. Complete and total BS. Say, why is everyone walking funny and falling into the water?



Thedeacon: Hmm, the weather didn?t call for a lag storm today.



Metaphysical Demon: Lag? What?s that?



Thedeacon: Well, since Broken Shores is so far away from Tir, time moves differently here. The world, um?revolves slower or something. But the officials have said that it?s our bodies that revolve slower and is in no way caused by the world.



Belamorte: That?s complete and total BS.



Thedeacon: No, *this* is BS. That?s Funcom.



Belamorte: Are you BSing me?



Thedeacon: Nope, no BS.



Belamorte: But I thought you said this was BS?



Thedeacon: This *is* BS.



Belamorte: That?s what I?m saying! Now cut the BS and let?s get to this mission.



Thedeacon: Watch that sassy mouth mister.



Thedeacon takes a step and immediately falls into the water thirty feet away



Thedeacon: Total BS. Guys, give me a hand. I never put IP into swimming.



Metaphysical Demon: Me either, but somehow I?m able to walk on top of the water. Demons must be excluded from the laws of gravity.



Belamorte: I?d give you my tentacle to hold on to, but your fat ass needs to lay off the Bronto Burgers ?. Maybe a nice swim will trim those child bearing hips of yours down, Deacon.



Thedeacon: Screw that, I?ll just get into my plane. It?s here in my pocket somewhere?.



Metaphysical Demon: You have a PLANE in your POCKET?



Thedeacon: Yes I do. And it?s not necessary to speak in caps, Metaphysical Demon.



Metaphysical Demon: I don?t own a cap and even I know that nothing comes of talking into a hat. So about this plane?.How do you get it in your pocket?



Thedeacon: The nanobots. It?s the nanobots?



Thedeacon enters his plane and hovers high above the water



Belamorte: Master? Where are you?



Metaphysical Demon: Master? Where are you?



Thedeacon: Right above you, dumbass. Here, hop on.



Belamorte: That?s okay, Deacon. We?ll just follow you and just kinda?.jump into the air every ten seconds or so to make sure you don?t forget us.



At the mission entrance?.



Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?



Thedeacon: Who the hell keeps saying that?



Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?



Thedeacon: How could I have an old key? I only have one.



Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?



Thedeacon: I already said I only have one. Now let me in, whoever you are!



Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?

Unable to enter. Are you using a---oh. Only one? Damn. Alright, come in.



Thedeacon: That?s better. Damn. I forgot how to enter buildings again. I think I?ll just stand here at the entrance again for a few minutes.

/scratch

/thinker



Playshift PF:324577 error *giggle*



/angry



Thedeacon: LET ME IN!



Unable to enter. Are you using an old key?



Thedeacon: That?s it, I?m blasting the door down?



Belamorte: Right on, Deac! Here, use your Custom Heavy Supressor!



Thedeacon: Um, I don?t know how.



Belamorte: Just put it in your hand and pull the trigger.



Thedeacon: That sounds complicated to use?.



Belamorte: It?s a GUN, damnit! A gun! Gun?in?hand?.finger?on?trigger?



Thedeacon: Wait, you?re going too fast with these instructions!



Belamorte: First, take off your rifle.



Thedeacon: No, I never take off my rifle. Not even when I shower. If I take it off, I?m not going to remember how to put it back on. Last time I took it off, the weapons shopkeeper to help me remember how to put it back on. You know, there?s a rumor that the shopkeeper eats babies?.



/scratch



Belamorte: You can?t figure out how to put a gun on? And here I thought that Nanomages has green intelligence?.



Metaphysical Demon: Master, my life force is leaving me?..



Thedeacon (Crying): OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED METAPHYSICAL DEMON! YOU BASTAAAAAAAAARDS!!!! WHY MOCHAM, WHYYYYYY!!! HE WAS SO YOUNG!!!



/angry



Narrator: Is this the end of Metaphysical Demon? Will Thedeacon ever get inside his mission? Will Belamorte find true love? Find out next time!!!!



Thedeacon: Dude, can?t you see I?m mourning the death of my pet here? Go away.



Narrator: Oops, sorry Thedeacon. My condolences on your loss.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (slowly walks the perimeter of a large greenish colored room): Say, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist, what is it exactly that we?re supposed to be doing here?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Don?t you remember, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? I lost my contact lense and we?re all going to walk around this room until we find it.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: You?d think these Waitt helmets that Omni Pol gave us would make it impossible for a contact to fall on the ground, but they always seem to find a way.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: True dat. But do we really need all four of us to look? Why don?t you two keep searching while Veteran Omni Metaphysicist and I play Frisbee with our shields. Catch, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Whee!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grabs Veteran Omni Metaphysicist by his shirt): Listen damnit! I won?t have you shirking your duties on MY watch! You think I want to be stuck in this godforsaken room walking the perimeter for the rest of my life in omni issued armor? Have you been outside lately, man? Have you seen what they?re wearing? MK armor! Primus! Goddamned Nano armor! What am I wearing, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? Oh God help me, what am I weariiiiiing?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (holds Veteran Omni Metaphysicist in his arms): Shhh, it?s alright honey. We?ll make it as long as we?re together?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Holy s**t, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist is a homo!!!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: We?re all wearing bright blue hip hugging armor with hot pink shields. Aren?t we all?uh oh. Dude, I think I just found your contact. (lifts his boot up)



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: So yeah, we follow orders and all, but what exactly are we supposed to be guarding here? Some new secret weapon that will vanquish our enemies and bring a new era of prosperity to Omni Tek corporation ??



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Hot pink panties.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (with an air of wonder in his eyes): Hot pink panties! W00t!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Calm yourself, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist. These are no ordinary hot pink panties. These are EXPIRIMENTAL hot pink panties created by our expert Omni technicians. These hot pink panties are too powerful for one man alone to wield. Should these hot pink panties fall into the wrong hands, it shall spell certain doom for us all! We?ve been assigned to protect these experimental hot pink panties until such time that they are no longer experimental hot pink panties, but regular hot pink panties.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Only if you watch me put them on. Where?d you put them?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh, I just sorta tossed them on the floor two rooms to the north of us.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: On the floor? We?re risking our lives for pink panties and you couldn?t even have the sense to put them in a safe or a friggin lockbox?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Well Cloudeh screwed up the economy so badly that a locked safe now costs somewhere in the neighborhood of 500 million credits and only drops from a big dragon in the bottom of a castle.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Check the Sunday paper for credit saving coupons. I swear safes were on sale at Office Depot.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: You clip coupons? Homo.



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts (from three rooms over): 198 Engi LFG!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Is he at it again? God, I thought he was done three hours ago when he hyperventilated and passed out.



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: 198 Engi LFG! I have a slayer!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Pffft, your slayer is gray to me, gimp.



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: Well it wouldn?t be if you had hooked me up with mokies when I asked you too. C?mon guys, I don?t want to lose my title if I get killed. I just made Veteran last week!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Title farmer! Anyways, teaming doesn?t affect pvp points anymore, buddy. Looks like SOMEone didn?t read the 14.7 patch notes. Besides, I don?t want an engi in MY team.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, your contact lense is squished, so why are we still walking back and forth?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: This is called ?high level content?. Keep walking. There literally is nothing else to do on this planet.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Did you hear that?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist and Veteran Omni Metaphysicist together: Hear what?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Shhh! Oh God, I think they?re coming.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: I think I heard it too. Quick! Pull your pants up Veteran Omni Metaphysicist, there?s no time for your sweet loving!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: OMG! Veteran Omni Metaphysicist IS a homo!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: No I?m not! It?s just---sometimes when four men are secluded with nobody but each other for compa?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Mmmm, honey.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: DUDE!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh God, not again. Every day, we walk around this room, minding our own business and a bunch of clanners burst through the unlocked door to our secret hideout and murder us. I just can?t take it anymore!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (smacks Veteran Omni Metaphysicist across the helmet): Hold it together, damn you! We?re going to live this time! God knows if some n00b asks me for mokies ten seconds after I hit the reclaim pad, somebody is going to get hurt (as soon as I get a wrangle to get a halfway respectable attack rating). We just need to formulate a plan.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Plan?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Yes (pulls a map of Newland, a cactus and a rollerrat from his pants pocket). First, we need Veteran Omni Techhunter to put these items in a secure chest and lock it. Are you hearing me, Veteran Omni Techhunter?



Veteran Omni Techhunter shouts: Right on boss! I?m liking this plan already!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, the map of Newland is explainable, but what?s up with the cactus and the rollerrat in your pants?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (lets out a sigh of pleasure): I highly recommend that you try it sometime.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude.



Veteran Omni Techhunter (carrying three large treasure chests): Where shall I hide our valuable treasure? Some secret place those clever clanners will never find them (cackles madly)



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Actually, you can set the first one right in this main room in plain sight and the other two somewhere in some nonsensical obvious location that defeats the entire purpose of having them in chests in the first place.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, so let me get this straight. We put the cactus in a locked chest and our secret pink panties weapon lying on the floor?



Veteran Omni Techhunter: This must have to do with the fact that our multi-billion credit hideout does not come equipped with closets, right?



Veteran Omni Techhunter: As usual, you?re as short sighted as you are?..short sighted. They?re sure to have a doctor with them and we all know what bloodsucking ninja looters they are. We distract the doctor with Phat Lewt ? while we pick off the rest of the team. And if that doesn?t work, my sweet little love rat here will take care of them. Isn?t that right, precious?



Frightened Rollerrat: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: He looks frightened. Maybe you shouldn?t be sticking him down your pants like that.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: The fools will never understand our love, ratty. Now get into the box!



Frightened Rollerrat: SQUWEEEEEEEEE ----



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Think he?ll run out of air in there?



Veteran Omni Techhunter: I never thought about that. Um?maybe I should poke holes in the box?



Frightened Rolerrat: squ?*wheeze*



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Sometimes sacrifices have to be made in the name of Philip Ross. Why, just the name makes me?.mmmmm.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, the part about the chests makes sense in a retarded sort of way, but that still doesn?t explain why our top secret experimental panties are lying on the floor.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: The way I figure, if they get past us, I couldn?t really give a damn if they get the panties.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quiet everyone! I hear them buffing in the next room. Everyone take your places!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Places?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Er, walk around the room some more. Omni Tek isn?t paying us to just stand here.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Yes. They are paying us to walk around aimlessly, oblivious to the noise in the room ten feet away from us.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Exactly.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: I want a raise.



<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>



Thedeacon: WHYYYYYYYYYY!!! So young! So vital! So---



Zylina: What in the hell are you babbling about?



Thedeacon: *sniff* It?s my demon. He?s?.he?s dead!!!



Zylina: You idiot. You?re pets die just about every hour. You just have to recast them?Damn this rock in my shoe.



Thedeacon: I get rocks in my shoes all the ti---Oh my God.



Belamorte: Oh my God.



Zylina slips off her MK boots to reveal a soft, lightly tanned bare foot with the smoothest skin Thedeacon has ever seen. Each edible toe is capped with neatly trimmed toenails with just a light brush of clear enamel gloss. Her high arches served to elegantly accentuate her smoothly rounded heel.



Belamorte: Deacon! Pull your pants back up!



Zylina: Yeah, as I was saying, all you have to do is recast the pet you noob. Why are you staring at me?like?



Thedeacon: Sore feet?.must rub?.sore feet?



Belamorte: Deacon, please massage my tentacles?

Zylina: Um?What are you doing with that two handed creation weapon? Nobody uses those anym---that?s not a creation weapon is it?



Thedeacon (winks): That all depends?



Zylina runs away, leaving her boot behind and immediately falls into the water by the grid terminal. Thedeacon sniffs the pleasant aroma and puts the boot in his infinite storage pocket.



Zylina shouts: DAMNED LAG!



Thedeacon (smiling blissfully): ?.



Belamorte: Snap out of it! I think she was onto something with that whole ?recasting? business. Give it a whirl Deac.



Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal, master!



Thedeacon (smiling blissfully): ??



Metaphysical Demon: Master? Deacon?



Belamorte: DEACON!!!!



Thedeacon: Right! Oh, yes! We have a mission to complete my trustworthy comanions!



<<<<<>>>>>



Thedeacon: Okay, here?s what we?re going to do. You guys wait right here and I?m going to line up a perfect sniping shot with my trusty X-3 rifle and blow the head off of one of those guys.



Thedeacon hunches way down and raises his arms slightly



Belamorte: Deacon! I told you to use the bathroom before we left! Oh geez, it?s going to be a number 2 isn?t it? Quick Metaphysical Demon, grab Deacon?s rubber pants and a pooper scooper!



Thedeacon: No, it?s not that, I?m going into sneak mode so they won?t be able to detect me. I?m invisible right now.



Metaphysical Demon: I can see you. It looks like you?re about to take a dump on the floor?.again.



Thedeacon stands up straight



Thedeacon: Wow, that takes a lot out of a guy. I won?t be able to do that again for another 10 seconds.



Thedeacon hunches over again



Thedeacon: How about now?



Belamorte: I can see you plain as day.



Thedeacon: I?m going to keep trying this until it works.



Belamorte: Oh god we?re going to be here all day?



Thedeacon lifts his arms up again and thrusts his buttocks out farther than before



Thedeacon: Now! I?ve got my butt stuck out so far you?d think Ru Paul was in our team. Am I invisible.



Belamorte (floats back and forth, waving his tentacles in the air): Um?yeah?invisible you are?.Deacon? Where?s Deacon? I don?t see him, he is invisible to me?



Metaphysical Demon: But?



Belamorte whispers: Dude, shutup and play along!



Thedeacon remains hunched over and creeps towards the door..



You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

Cannot complete action, monster is aware of your presence



Thedeacon: Damnit



You have been detected by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

Cannot complete action, monster is aware of your presence



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: You, over there in the foyer. We DO detect your presence!



Thedeacon shouts: No you don?t!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Yes we do!



Thedeacon shouts: How can you detect my presence? I haven?t even opened the door to the main room yet!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Well how were you going to do an aimed shot on me when you haven?t opened the door yet?



Thedeacon shouts: Good point. Here, lemme try again.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Nope, I still detect your presence.



Thedeacon shouts: Damnit! Well okay smart guy, if you detect my presence, then why aren?t you running in here to attack me?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: He?s got you there, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Okay, I say we rush him. But whatever you do, don?t run. I just waxed the floor and it might be a bit slippery?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Okay, you asked for it. We?re going to run in there and attack you now!



Thedeacon shouts: Okies, I?ll just send my pet out to fight you guys first while I cower like a girl in the foyer.



Metaphysical Demon: WHAT????



Narrator: Will Metaphysical Demon get evoked? Will Thedeacon capture the most powerful pair of panties in the known universe? Find out in chapter five, entitled: ?LSD ? Lag spikes and Disconnects?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist whispers: You know what, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist? I think there?s only one of them out there.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Hey you in the foyer! How many in your team?



Thedeacon shouts: Only m---



Belamorte (tugs at Thedeacon?s shoulder): OMG Deacon. Take a deep breath and think before you answer. You?re a gimp?er, nanomage. You have green Intelligence, right? Really think about what you are about to say.



Thedeacon closes his eyes tightly shut and clenches both fists, straining, while gears turn and lights light inside his superior nanomind.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Um, it?s been like ten minutes and my essence is about to wear off. I say, how many in your team?



Thedeacon?s eyes light up and for a split second, a nanobulb may have appeared over his head.



Thedeacon shouts: Only me! I?m completely all alone here!



Belamorte (covering his eye/mouth hole and groaning): Jesus. I swear you?re a really skinny Atrox sometimes.



Thedeacon: Ah, but my dear Belamorte. Notice I didn?t mention my pets to them!



Belamorte: But you did!!! At the end of chapter four!!!



Thedeacon (flips back several pages): Oh.



Thedeacon shouts: No wait guys, I was wrong there. There?s um, and enforcer and a couple of Martial Artists and some traders?and stuff?Oh, and a doc!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: See? They have a doc! The chests WERE a good idea!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude that?s bogus. I maxed out my perception last level and you know I have that QL200 perception cluster in my ear. I swear to Mocham he?s alone out there. I don?t detect anyone else.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (mockingly): ?I don?t detect anyone else. I?m just oh so uber with my lousy ear implant?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Oh God, there he goes again about his stupid perception implant again. Let?s hear all about the extra 105 points of perception you got. Come on, come on, we?re all riveted to your every word.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist shouts: Hey you out there in the foyer, do you have room for another MP? These guys totally suck and together we could their asses. I have a ql200 Perception implant, you should invite me!



Thedeacon shouts: No I?m soloi?(smacked by Belamorte) er, I mean my team doesn?t want your gimpy ass. Besides, you screw up my tabbing if I invite you?er, if my TEAM invites you.



Metaphysical Demon: Our team is totally going to pwn those guys!



Belamorte: ?.



Thedeacon: Hells yeah. Essence plzzzz. Wrangle plzzz. Someone gimme essence and RRFE plzzzz.



Belamorte: ??



Metaphysical Demon: Oooh, get an ncu buff too, Deacon.



Belamorte (waves his tentacles madly): You sick little monkey! We have no team! You made that up, remember?



Thedeacon: Oh. (looks around). Damn. Well I better invite that Veteran Omni Metaphysicist so that we have some backup.



Belamorte (smacks himself in the forehead): It?s a trick! Don?t invite him, he?ll only ninja loot the boss like all Omnis do.



Thedeacon: But his ear implant!!!



Belamorte: If you invite him I swear I?m going to tell everyone how you needed the help of two men to get your pants on last week.



Thedeacon: That was a long time ago and I?m not even overequipped on these pants anymore. I was just a little short on stamina, strength and Agility. And besides, nothing else happened. Just two guys buffing me into my pants.



Belamorte: Well it?s funny how ALL THREE of you had your pants off when I went to check on you. I won?t even go into how you were playing with their Wen-Wens.



Thedeacon: You wouldn?t



Belamorte: Oh yes I would.



Thedeacon: Okies, new plan. Um, get em Demon!



Metaphysical Demon: Woah, wait a second Deacon. Can we discuss this ?plan? of yours? I mean, I just got my nails done and?



Thedeacon: Don?t be a wuss dude. Just run in there and kinda?.***** slap every few seconds.



Metaphysical Demon: Or we could go home and watch porn on the Gridstream.



Thedeacon: Oh make no mistakes, we?re gonna do that too. Later though. It?ll be real sexy, we?ll get some wine and a big jar of mayo. I got some hot pictures of a *real* oak table for you. NAKED wood. I just need you to senselessly slaughter a few people first.



Metaphysical Demon: Mmmmm. Oak. As tempting as that is, there?s no way I?m going in there.



Thedeacon: Not even for an Evocation ?



Metaphysical Demon: Ruh-uh



Thedeacon: Not even for TWO Evocations?



Metaphysical Demon: Reah reah Raggy!!! Rooby rooby rooooo!!



Belamorte: I?m almost positive there was a copyright violation there?



Thedeacon whirls his hands in a complex manner, calling forth a powerful cloud of nanobots from the very ether and rapidly weaves them together in a stream of pure energy from his fingertips into the mind and body of his faithful companion.



The eyes of the demon glow a deep red and its leathery skin is pulled taut over a bulging form. That?s right damnit, Metaphysical Demon has just been evoked!



Metaphysical Demon (stretches his arms wide): RAAAAAAAR! Deacon, may I eat them?



Thedeacon: No, you cannot eat them. Veteran Omni Metaphysicists give you the runs something fierce and I don?t feel like wiping your leg up for the next week. When I tell you to, I want you to run out that door and slap them like guests on the Jerry Springer show.



Metaphysical Demon (snarling): He ain?t yo baby daddy!!! BLOOD!



Metaphysical Demon rushes towards the door with such ferocity that when he misses and hits the doorframe, you can almost hear the wall scream with pleasure



Metaphysical Demon (gyrating his hips and creating small puncture holes in the doorframe with his massive claws): YES! Gimme some o? that sweet loving b***h!



Belamorte: Holy s**t! Get em boy!



Metaphysical Demon: You like that, don?t you? You like it when daddy gets rough with you. Does he like it Belamorte? Huh?



Belamorte (floats in closer and begins spanking Metaphysical demon on the buttocks with his tentacle): Oh yeah big boy. It likes it alright.



Doorframe: ?..



Metaphysical Demon (repeatedly smacking the doorframe while his body makes loud scratching sounds against the metaplast wall): Mmm oh yeah, I?m gonna crit all over you!



Belamorte: Takethattakethat! W00T!



Doorframe: !!!!



Thedeacon: !!!!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: !!!!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Dude!



Metaphysical Demon (lights up a cigarette): Oh now that hit the spot.



Doorframe: What the hell? 22 seconds? You goddamned gimp! I feel?.violated. At least the Engis? pets can last almost a minute.



Thedeacon: The doorframe didn?t just---



Doorframe: Oops! Er, No I mean. Doorframes can?t speak. Um, going back to being a doorframe now.



Thedeacon (grabbing Metaphysical Demon, turning him in the direction of the doorway and pushing him in): Dude! Get in there!



The door hisses shut behind Metaphysical Demon



Metaphysical Demon: Um. Hi there.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s Pet, Metaphysical Demon: My powers are at your disposal master.



Metaphysical Demon: Dude. This sucks.



Five minutes later?..



Thedeacon (thinking to himself): Hmmm. I hear some grunting and groaning, but all in all, things are pretty quiet in the next room. I wonder why?



Metaphysical Demon: ?..Right hand blue!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (contorting his body into an odd position): Damn the blue! Damn the blue!



Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Left leg yellow? The needle is totally pointing to red.



Metaphysical Demon: Look at it, dummy! The needle is more on yellow than red.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Well actually it was right on the line before you shook it to land on yellow. You clanners and your ?sploits.



Metaphysical Demon: Don?t turn this into a role playing thing, buddy. Omnis ?sploit as much as clanners do. I say it?s yellow and it?s yellow!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grunting under the burden of his weight): Who?s idea was it to play naked twister anyway? I?m putting my clothes back on.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: No! For the love of God, stay naked! Er, I mean, the game has just begun.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Hey! Metaphysical Demon didn?t say ?left hand, right asscheek?, buddy.



Belamorte: It?s only fair if I spin. After all, since I don?t have hands or feet, I?m going to lose pretty quickly.



Thedeacon (walking into the main room from the foyer): You guys, it?s kinda quiet in---



Metaphysical Demon: Deacon!



Belamorte: Deacon!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick! Someone help me get my pants on!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (throwing his pants on, both legs at a time): Is this your shield or mine, Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s pet, Metaphysical Demon: Er, hello. Um, this isn?t what it looks like.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Quick people! While he?s stunned by the obvious homosexual and bestial overtones of four men and six androgenous creatures playing naked Twister, ATTACK!



You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist

You are being attacked by Veteran Omni Metaphysicist



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist hits you for 300 points of chemical damage



Thedeacon: OW! You just bopped me in the nose with that damn shield, buddy! Holy crap, wait! Wait! Everyone stop, I think I have a nosebleed now.



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (Stopping his attack and wincing): Oooh ouch. That?s a real gusher there?.. Here, tilt your head back, I?ll go get you a cold wet rag.



Thedeacon: I sure hope you?re insured, buddy!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Omni Tek provides us with top notch insurance in exchange for our souls and free will. The best part is they also recognize the non-traditional, yet perfectly acceptable family relationships that most Omni-Tek employees share *shoots a wink and a quick flick of his tongue at Veteran Omni Metaphysicist*



Thedeacon: Dude?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /fblock



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: Do these Waitt pants make me look fat?



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist (grabbing Veteran Omni Metaphysicist by the hips): Oh no honey, I?d say you?re just my size!



Veteran Omni Metaphysicist: /ballet



Metaphysical Demon (backing away slowly): Holy?



Belamorte: Oh my GAWD..



Thedeacon: Jesus H Christ you two, you just played naked twister with OMNIS!!



Metaphysical Demon: OMG! Deacon, that doesn?t make US Omni, does it?



Thedeacon: That remains to be seen, but I?ll be damned sure not to let you clean my big gun anymore?



Belamorte: *cough* it?s not THAT big....Besides, it?s the thickness that---OH MY GAWD. Deacon, I?m turning Omni!!!



Thedeacon: I know something we can do to reaffirm our heterose---er, I mean Clannerness. Let?s kick these guys? asses, grab our pink panties and go drink some beer!



<<<<<<<>>>>>>>



Thedeacon: Not?a?.word..



Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!



Thedeacon (throws up a Bronto Burger and fries onto the reclaim terminal): Well that was the gaming equivalent of wrapping my buttcheeks around a twenty foot long razorblade and sliding into a big pool of Iodine.



Metaphysical Demon: Are you my master?



Thedeacon (spitting out the remains of what appears to be his own colon): Et tu, Metaphysical Demon? God I hate resurrection sickness. I don't even remember eating that.



Metaphysical Demon: Sorry man, you kinda sucked back there.



Thedeacon: *I* sucked??? You spent the entire time rubbing your crotch on the metaplast wall and you tell me *I* suck? Dude, that?s weak.



Metaphysical Demon: I got caught in my zipper! And you know I can?t use these claws of mine to free myself. I *like* being a boy demon.



Thedeacon: And where were you Belamorte?



Belamorte (clutching a scrap of paper with Veteran Omni Metaphysicist?s grid number written down on it): Well, I?You know.



Thedeacon: Good lord, Belamorte! You?re turning Omni!!! That?s it, we need to go back there right away and deal some payback before you guys turn ALL the way Omni!



The three make their way outside the west gate of Newland City



Thedeacon: *%$#)$$% Omnis?



Senior ICC Representative: Hey buddy, Newland is a neutral town. We?re not having any of this clan propaganda here. Take your hippy ass back to Tir.



Thedeacon: Huh?



Senior ICC Representative: Listen. We neutrals---oh f*** Quick, hide me!



Female ICC Representative: Oh THERE you are mister, you?re in BIG trouble, you hear me?



Senior ICC Representative: Uh, hi dear.



Female ICC Representative: You mind telling me where you?ve been all day? You been picking up whores at Neuters R? Us again? This is why we don?t have anything nice! You?re always at that damned bar, pouring wax onto the nipples of that Omni fixer, Streax18! Despite his rounded child bearing hips and baby blue grid armor, that?s a MAN baby!



Senior ICC Representative: Um, whatever are you talking about honey? I?ve been keeping watch right outside the west gate all day, hanging with my friends?..(reads the name above our heroes? heads) Thedeacon, Metaphysical Demon and Belamur?



Belamorte: That?s Belamorte!



Female ICC Representative: That?s a load of bull! I sat by the reclaim terminal with your lunch all day, waiting for your corpse to show up!



Metaphysical Demon whispers: Bussssted?



Senior ICC Representative: Um, nobody killed me all day! Really!



Female ICC Representative: That NEVER happens! Why, even as we speak we?re being shot at by thirteen people trying to look uber by killing gray guards!



Streaz18 (whizzing by at the speed of light): /fblock see you later cutie!



Female ICC Representative: HOMEWRECKER!



Senior ICC Representative: Dear, can?t we just talk about thi?OW! You shot me!



Female ICC Representative: That?s right buddy, I?m killing you AND your gimpy Metaphysicist buddy!



<<<<<<<>>>>>>>



Thedeacon: Not a word?.Not?one?.word..



Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!



Stay tuned for the conclusion to our rather drawn out story, entitled: DEATH OF A DEACON



NIGHT OF TEH LIVING MOKIES



The place: Newland city?next to the reclaim terminal of course.



Belamorte: You are weak, I will not obey you!



Metaphysical Demon: You are not my master!



Thedeacon: Listen, if you say that one more time, I?m going to---



Xtremtech: MP TOOLSET! PET PATHING!!! THE MEZZ PET! THE GODDAMEND MEZZ PET!



Thedeacon: What the hell?



Xtremtech (eyes darting madly left and right): TOOLSET! MEZZ!



OT Lab Technician: There he is! Get him!



Xtremtech (grabbing hold of Thedeacon and filling his lungs with the foul stench of insanity and cheap wine): There?s no time, mate!



Thedeacon: Er, actually I have about five more minutes until I?m rezzed up. Hey wait, aren?t you the Metaphysicist Professiona--



OT Lab Technician (running up the hill to the reclaim terminal): I?ve got the net!



OT Lab Technician: Give me that you idiot! The last time I let you hold the net while running you tripped and fell down?the hill---oh dear?Are you okay?



OT Lab Technician (clenching his midsection): My pancreas! Oh Jesus, the pain!



OT Lab Technician: Oh get up, you big baby. The nanobots only attacked you for 40 points of damage.



OT Lab Technician: Oh cruel nanobots! Why do you hurt me so?..Why???



Xtremtech: Eep! PET WARP!!! WARP PET!!



Thedeacon: Er, listen bud. I?m not sure what you?re on, but if you have any leftover?



OT Lab Technician (grabbing Xtremtech and placing him in a rather smart looking coat): Yup! That?s one less to deal with.



Thedeacon: Er, I think you have that jacket on him backwards.



OT Lab Technician: Well, OT Lab Technician, throw that nutbar in the jail with the rest of ?em.



OT Lab Technician: Pancreas?



OT Lab Technician: One less Metaphysicist to worry about.



Thedeacon: One less?.WTF?



OT Lab Technician: No, one less Metaphysicist. WTFs we don?t have a problem with. But Metaphysicists have to go.



Thedeacon: WTF?



OT Lab Technician: No. Let me say this slowly. Me-ta-phy-si-cist. You know, the guys with the naked androgenous lizards, sorta look like that?.guy?.there?



Metaphysical Demon: Hey! I may be naked, but underneath my zipper lies---



Thedeacon: A man in a really cheesy demon costume?heh heh. Come along now, er, Bob. Let?s not take up any more of the nice OT Lab Technician?s time



Metaphysical Demon: You are not my master.



OT Lab Technician: Hey, if he?s not a demon and you?re not a Metaphysicist, then why is he calling you ?master??



Thedeacon: Well you see?um?



OT Lab Technician: Not another word, buddy.



Thedeacon: No wait, I?



OT Lab Technician: I said, not another word! Listen, Disneyland may acknowledge your ?alternative life partnership?, but this ain?t San Francisco and my name ain?t Walt. Dressing your ?little fella? in a demon costume is just sick. In my day we had laws to prevent this type of thing. Move along, pervert. Looks like bigboy there isn?t obeying his ?master?. Looks like we know who where the panties in THIS family.



Thedeacon: Er yes. Metaphysic?er BOB, must be punished. Come along now BOB and bring your jar of mayo.



Metaphysical Demon: Deacon, my name isn?t Bob, I?m?(eyes light up) Ooooooh I see. Yeah, Bob. That?s me! Bob it is. Bob I am. I do not like green eggs and ham. Bob is short for Robert, y?know. But you can call me Bob. All my friends do, right Deacon?



Belamorte (points above Metaphysical Demon?s head, where the words ?Metaphysical Demon? appear in bold white letters above Metaphysical Demon?s head): um..ahem..er?cough.



Thedeacon: Belamorte? See, I told you that you?d catch a cold if you didn?t cover your tentacles with booties at night.



Belamorte make anxious jabs with all his tentacles towards Metaphysical Demon and mouths out the words ?Change his f%$*ing name jackass?



OT Lab Technician: Hey wait a sec. Now the bondage freak is easily explainable, but w00t?s up with that thing? (points to Belamorte) Looks *a lot* like a Metaphysicist heal pet to me.



Thedeacon (shuffles his feet nervously): Him, er that? That?s a balloon. Um, would you like a balloon?



OT Lab Technician: You people and your balloons. Get out of Newland bef---hey wait. You really *are* a Metaphysicist and that really *is* a heal pet and that Metaphysical Demon really *is* a Metaphysical Demon!



Thedeacon: ?



Belamorte: ?.



Metaphysical Demon: ?.I?m Bob and I have no goddamned clue who either of these people are.



OT Lab Technician (draws his gun): ?.



Belamorte: ?..



Thedeacon: LET?S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!



Belamorte: You are weak, I will not ob?



Thedeacon grabs Belamorte by the tentacles and proceeds to run down the hill, knocking OT Lab Technician back to the ground, mumbling something about his spleen.



Metaphysical Demon: I really am Bob, and um?Oh hey, lookit the time (begins slowly backing away before breaking into full stride after his comrades. Along the way, he finds a nice tree and runs straight into it, gyrating his loving hips. A zipper can be heard.



Metaphysical Demon: Mmmm?Facing certain death, yet you still know how to turn my crank, tree. I see your knothole is already filled with sweet Jokka tree sap?



Jokka Tree: ?



OT Lab Technician: Get up, damnit! He?s getting away!



Metaphysical Demon: Oooh yeah! That?s the stuff baby! Give it to daddy! Oh oh oh!



Jokka Tree grunts



Metaphysical Demon: ???



Jokka Tree: Mmmm yeah, I like that daddy.



Jokka Tree transforms into a smiling Veteran Omni Spy



Metaphysical Demon: HOLY! I feel?.used..



Veteran Omni Spy: Yeah, I know I could have done this minutes ago, but?GAWD I didn?t realize a minion of Hell could give sweet lovings like that?.say, what?s your sign?



Before Metaphysical Demon can answer, the lights go dim and he feels hands carrying him away. He also feels Veteran Omni Spy?s hands grab his butt.



Thedeacon (running through Newland city): Oh my God he?s gaining on us Belamorte! Metaphysical Demon, quickly attac?er, Metaphysical Demon?



Belamorte: You left him behind, you idiot!



Thedeacon: No problem, if we keep running, he?ll eventually warp to us.



Belamorte: I?m the only one that warps to you, remember? Metaphysical Demon will hump the nearest object in sight until you go back and get him!



Thedeacon: Well can?t I just terminate him and recast, like Zylina (who totally thinks I?m a complete hottie) said?



Belamorte: You gotta start reading the forums. You can?t terminate him if you?re more than two inches away.



Thedeacon: Then we shall cut an angry swath through the fiends and reclaim our fallen comrade!



Belamorte: That definitely did NOT sound like Kirk Douglass in Ben Hur.



Thedeacon: Well, I was just winging that. Let?s kick ass, Bela! Heal me!



Belamorte: You are weak! I will not obey you!



Thedeacon: Belamorte, I?m rezzed up already?



Belamorte: *giggle* yeah, but you?re still pretty weak. Alright, alright commencing the healing process now, master.



Thedeacon turns to face his slow moving pursuer, Yamatuchy X-3 Counter Sniper Rifle in hand.



Thedeacon: Let me line up a good shot.



OT Lab Technician shouts: Dude, I *totally* detect your presence!



Thedeacon: Yeah, I know, but you?re like 50 feet away. I should have plenty of time to line up a shot.



OT Lab Technician: Doesn?t work that way! And I am *so* going to rawk you with my uber pistol in like 8 seconds.



Thedeacon: We?ll see about that, ass. Give me a second here.



Belamorte: Deacon, pull the damned trigger already!



Thedeacon: I haven?t trained in shooting fast, Belamorte. Next level I?ll max it out.



Thedeacon slowly pulls the trigger and hits his target right on the mark, seeing the message ?you hit your target for 38 points of energy damage?



OT Lab Technician: Gimp!



OT Lab Technician hit you for 200 points of projectile damage!



Thedeacon: Ow! Holy crap man! Give a guy a chance already!



You hit OT Lab Technician for 800 points of energy damage!



OT Lab Technician: Oof



OT Lab Technician tried to h
WoW: Firetree's #1 Ganking undead priest

Offline Thedeacon

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2003, 06:56:54 AM »
Thedeacon: Not you too!



High Commander Fisk: Insane?.requirements?.new?nanos?.Devs?on crack?.mokies?MOKIEZ?MOOOOKIEEEEZZZ!



Belamorte: Quick Deacon! Outside the south gate! Deacon? DEACON!



Enmity Personification: OMG YOU KILLED DEACON!!! YOU BASTAAAAARDS!!!



Belamorte: He?s not dead you idiot. If he were, we?d be at reclaim telling him whata gimp he is. He?s just?.Gone..



Enmity Personification: I know. I?ve just always wanted to say that.



Belamorte: That is *so* last year.



Balbuto the Gibberer: Mffbrblbrbl?



Belamorte: *sigh*?Will someone please shut that mezz pet up?



Balbuto the Gibberer: MMfff uuu Brbltch!



Enmity Personification: Um, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but without Deacon here, any one of these dorks with mass weapons of destruction? can wax us at any time. You got a plan?



Belamorte: Me? Er yeah. My theory is that the crowd of mokie zombies is somehow related to the disappearance of the other Metaphysicists. They became so addicted to mokies that when all the Metaphysicists disappeared, they went through withdrawal symptoms.



There?s only one place we can be safe. The mission. Maybe the Omni Metaphysicists in there might know what?s going on?or they?ll just make us play more naked twister, which in itself is not entirely bad?



Enmity Personification: Then off we go! Back to Broken Shores!



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Belamorte: ?.



What has become of Thedeacon and Metaphysical Demon? We need you help! Can you find Thedeacon? Have the absolute dishonor of winning a part in the next chapter if you are the first to spot Thedeacon and say the words ?MOKIEZ PLZ? in vicinity chat!



The place: A concrete holding cell in the temple of the three winds, where the last remaining Metaphysicists are being held against their will?.



Cyprux: I?d like to state for the record that I?m going to kill you after we?re out of here.



Thedeacon: Dude shutup, this is totally going to work!



Cyprux (sighs): Yes, but next time YOU get to wear the dress. This garter belt and padded bra are scratchy.



Thedeacon: Yes, but you look quite lovely in them.



Cyprux: Oh, why thank you! The key is in the accessories. I mean, sure I could put on this cherry red lipstick and get a few whistles or a Christmas goose from some lonely guy, but---



Thedeacon (giggles): Did I mention they have a slimming effect?.Chunky?



Cyprux: ?..Did I mention I was going to kill you after we get out of here?



Lordtritoch: This is a farce! Why does HE get to wear the wig and dress? Look at these smooth legs of mine (runs his hands along a pair of the nastiest nanogams Thedeacon has ever seen). I?d make a much better chick than Mrs. Doubtfire there!



Thedeacon (grimacing with disgust): Omnis..?Listen guys, if we?re going to get out of here, we have to work together, and that means ALL of us. Together. That?s what friends are for.



Cyprux: For good times.



Lordtritoch: And bad times.



Xtremtech: I?ll be on your side forevermooooore. Woah-ohhhh, that?s what friends are foooooor. Keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on m?



Cyprux: SHUT. UP.



Xtremtech: MP TOOLSET!! MEZZ PET!!! MEZZ PATH THE MEZZ!!



Bionotrous (in a rumbling Atrox voice): Dionne Warwick songs always bring me to tears?.I think I need a hug (outstretches his arms).



Thedeacon: Dude.



Cyprux: Dude.



Xtremtech (holds his arms out)



Meurgen (puts an arm around Cyprux): Hey baby, I haven?t seen you around here bef?



Cyprux: Don?t. Touch. Me. I am not a woman.



Meurgen: I know. Mrroowr.



Thedeacon: Shhh! I think I hear the guards coming. Remember Cyprux, you?re my wife and you got trapped inside this cell with me while on a conjugal visit.



Demonsguile: This is a locked jail cell. How could he possibly get inside a jail cell in the first place, let alone get trapped in said locked jail cell?



Thedeacon (/scratch): Nothing that has happened up to now has made the least bit of sense, so why should this?



Demonsguile: Good point.



Meanwhile??.



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Enmity Personification: You?ve been standing at that gate for six hours, Belamorte. Just fly through it for Mocham?s sake!



Belamorte: Going through doors is harder than it looks.



Enmity Personification: Move forward.



Area change not initiated. You may retreat or try crossing again

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Belamorte: Didn?t I tell you this was harder than it looks? Okay, I?m going to retreat and then I will cross again. Or should I cross again and then retreat?



Balbuto the Gibberer: BrBlbbrrrBBrrMMf!



Meanwhile??.



Metaphysical Demon: You want me to WHAT?



Veteran Omni Spy: Listen, it?s all in the name of science. Where is your zipper?



Meanwhile??



Cult Priest: And so I say to her, ?Nope, I don?t need a doc to cast enlarge on me. This is all self buffage, baby /adjust! Now let me show you the OTHER gift that Mocham gave me?



Cult Priest (laughing): Oh Jim, you sure are a ladies man! You?ve gotta give me some pointers!



Cult Priest (points toward a dank cell marked ?Metaphysicists?: Well there?s your chance buddy. Looks like that pretty lady got trapped inside the gimp cage. What say we rescue her and fill her up her ncu?



Cyprux: Help. I am a woman. Really I am. Please save me.



Meanwhile?.



Enmity Personification: Finally! I see what you mean about how hard it is to walk through doors and open gates. I mean, you?d think that it would just take a little forward motion, but there?s some deep thought involved in that process and just the slightest error can---Where?s Balbuto the Gibberer?



Balbuto the Gibberer (distressed and whimpering, while vibrating on the Tir South Gate post): BRBLBRBL!!!MMPFH!!!BRBLE!!!



Belamorte: Oh, for the love of Mocham. I?ll go get him.



Before Belamorte can reach his comrade, he feels a tug on his tentacle



Belamorte: Ow, hey! Not THAT one?er on second thought, yeah keep tugging. Right there baby, oh yeah that?s the ticket.



**Level 10 Adventurer**: *giggle* ballooneys hihihihih! Want ballooneys!!!



Belmorte: Let. Go. I. Am. Not. A. Balloon.



**Level 10 Adventurer** (jumping up an down): Buy me ?looneys! Want a ?blooney!!! Credz PLzz hihihihihi!!!



Enmity Personification (swatting fruitlessly with his tentacles): Let him go, you noob!



**Level 10 Adventurer** grabs ahold of Enmity Personification with her other hand and proceeds to run off into greater Tir County



**Level 10 Adventurer**: LOONEYS BLOONEYS HIHIIHIHI CREZPLSZZ



Enmity Personification: Ow! Hey!



Belamorte: For the last time, we are NOT balloons!!!



Enmity Personification whispers: Hey Belamorte, why does her name have ?**? in front of it?



Belamorte whispers: Hmm. I read something about this. It means she is ?pvp enabled?. But she?s way to low level for us to----ohhhhh. Deacon isn?t here, is he? So that means---



Enmity Personification whispers: That means we can totally kick her ass without getting in trouble..



Belamorte whispers: Alright, here?s what we do: You attack her and I?ll keep her healed so that just when she?s about to die, I bring her back only to have you smack her a bit more. Prolong the pain.



Enmity Personification whispers: Smack her? Dude, I have no hands.



Belamorte whispers: Well then?.kinda bounce on top of her head a bit. You?re pretty fat, that oughtta do some damage.



Enmity Personification whispers: Fekk you man, this is holiday weight, leave me alone. ?Bounce on her head?? What kind of lame pet am I? At least Metaphysical Demon can slap people. Not like he hits anything, but it still looks a lot cooler.



Belamorte whispers: This is totally going to work. In fact, I?d be willing to bet that you do a better job than Metaphysical Demon in the asskicking department. After all, he uses one handed martial arts attacks to fight, whereas you use two handed martial arts attacks.



Enmity Personification whispers: WHAT SENSE DOES THAT MAKE! Look at me Belamorte, I HAVE NO HANDS, let alone TWO hands to make a TWO handed martial arts attack, whereas Metaphysical Demon has two hands, yet only fights with one! Who makes up these rules anyways?



Belamorte whispers: Whoever that is needs to lay off the sauce a bit. Now get bouncing, mister!



**Level 10 Adventurer**: Hihihihih pretty ?looney---OW! Bad looney!



Enmity Personification (jumping up and down on top of **Level 10 Adventurer**?s head): I feel like a complete idiot?



**Level 10 Adventurer**: CREDZ PLZZZ HIHIHIH STOP HURTING ME BAD LOONEYS!!



Belamorte: *giggle* I?m sorry, **Level 10 Adventurer**, I am unable to do that?



Meanwhile?..



Thedeacon (examining Remains of Cult Priest): Well that wasn?t such a chore, now was it?



Remains of Meurgen: ?..



Remains of Cyprux: ?..



Remains of Bionotrous: ?..



Remains of Archelan: ?..



Thedeacon: Er.



Demonsguile: So what are you waiting for? Let?s get the hell out of here, please.



DominusFacutTheBloodless: NOT SO FAST, INFIDELS!



Thedeacon (staring at the tall man in black Nano Armor cloak and hood): Oh god, NOW what?



DominusFacutTheBloodless: Hehehe, that gets ?em every time



Thedeacon (covering a growing wet spot in the front of his Decranum?s MKII pants): I SO was not scared.



DominusFacutTheBloodless: I?d like to be the first to welcome you to the cult of the three winds.



Thedeacon: Who the hell are you? And what the hell is the Cult of the Three Winds?



DominusFacutTheBloodless: Can?t you read the white lettered title above my head? Why, I?m DominusFacutTheBloodless.



Thedeacon: you know, if you say your name just right, ?Facut? sounds a lot like--



DominusFacutTheBloodless I was teased a lot in school for that. It?s a bit of a sensitive subject for me. I see you?ve already killed our Cult Priests, I hope they have made your stay more relaxing, feel free to loot their still warm bodies, my friends!



Demonsguile looted Bullets

Thedeacon looted Summon Grid Armor MKIV



Demonsguile: What the s*it! We gotta roll for that!



Thedeacon: Says you! We did /team loot alpha, remember?



Demonsguile: I am *so* going to flame you on the boards!



DominusFacutTheBloodless: Er, heh, grid armor, eh? Now however did *that* get into the loot table? I?ll totally assemble that for you?.Give it to me.



Thedeacon: Screw you man! There?s no way a metagimp has the skills to assemble a ql140 disc!



DominusFacutTheBloodless: Heh, the disc please?.now.



Demonsguile: Roll with helpbot!!! ROLL!!!



DominusFacutTheBloodless: The?oh screw it, I?ll just kick your ass and take it.



Thedeacon: Hahahaha, in Nano Armor? You noob.



Thedeacon and Demonsguile both draw their Mausser Chemical Streamers



Remains of DominusFacutTheBloodless.



Thedeacon: Well I guess he really is bloodless.



Demonsguile: That wasn?t funny.



Thedeacon: Dude, that was SO the height of comedy.



Demonsguile: Whatever. I still say we should roll for that Grid Armor.



Meanwhile??



Metaphysical Demon: Ow! Oh, *giggle* hey that tickles! Stop that! And don?t say you?ll respect me in the morning either, because we both know it?s not true.



Meanwhile??



Remains of level 10 Adventurer



Enmity Personification: Well, the senseless slaughter of a human being sure does make me feel better, how about you?



Belamorte (looking at the remains): I miss her soft touch.



Enmity Personification (looking regretfully at the corpse): Me too. Hey, wanna catch her at reclaim and do it all over again?



Belamorte: Right on.



Balbuto the Gibberer (having finally freed himself and not seeing Belamorte or Enmity Personification in sight): BRBBLMMMBLLLBLLBLmf.



Urban Scout Patroller: I don?t understand what you?re saying.



Balbuto the Gibberer: MPHBRBLLLBBRBLlRmPH



Urban Scout Patroller: What are you trying to say?



Balbuto the Gibberer: MPH MPH BRBLE BRBBLE BR MPH!



Urban Scout Patroller (swifty unstrapping his Deluxe Flamethrower and taking aim): YOU?VE JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, GRECKO!



Balbuto the Gibberer: BRBLE!



Urban Scout Patroller (pausing for a second and taking aim once more): YOU?LL BE SORRY YOU CAME HERE, GRECKO!



Balbuto the Gibberer: blbop.



Urban Scout Patroller: I?VE BEEN DYING FOR A GOOD FIGHT, GRECKO! LET?S SEE IF YOU CAN GIVE ME ONE!



Balbuto the Gibberer: BRB?Oh the hell with it! Can?t you see the damn grecko is out of range??? You?re not going to hit it! Accept that and life will be so much more enjoyable for us all!



Urban Scout Patroller (holstering his weapon and turning to Balbuto the Gibberer): YOU?LL BE---Hey waitasec?.You can talk?



Balbuto the Gibberer: Crap. The mezz pet union is gonna have my ass for this one. I?m supposed to be sitting here purring and gurgling while everyone tries to figure out what purpose I serve.



Urban Scout Patroller: What are you trying to say?



Balbuto the Gibberer: I asked, ?have you seen an Enmity Personification and a Belamorte??



Urban Scout Patroller: I don?t understand what you?re trying to say.



Urban Scout Patroller: YOU?LL BE SORRY YOU CAME HERE, GRECKO!



Meanwhile?.



Thedeacon (looting the pockets of DominusFacutTheBloodless): Hey DG, ever find it a bit weird to dig through the pockets of a dead guy?



Demonsguile: What?s weird is that they vanish after we empty their pockets. WTF is up with that?



Thedeacon looted a Nano Crystal (Saemus' Crystalizer)



Demonsguile: Again???? Loot whore!



Thedeacon: Dude, don?t crap your Luxurious Rubber Pants. We?ll get you one too. Hmm. The instruction manual reads: ?This strange nano program crystalizes energy into a semi-physical form. This form is not permanent, and the energy will dissipate in a few minutes?.



Demonsguile: What sort of energy?



Thedeacon: If I knew that, I would have a semi-physical form, now wouldn?t I?



Demonsguile scrunches his face and a noxious odor invades Thedeacon?s nostrils



Demonsguile: I got your energy right here, buddy. Uh oh. I think I made semi-physical form in my pants?



Thedeacon: Um, I think I just did too (points forward)



The Immortal One: Fools!!! You dare to trespass into the inner sanctum of The Immortal One?



Thedeacon and Demonsguile turn to see a beast made of fire with a breastplate and helmet of cast iron, wielding the biggest goddamned sword either has ever seen



The Immortal One: Did you come here to die?



Thedeacon: Er?.Actually we came here to slap the taste out your mouth and grab your phat lewt to sell on ebay. But?.It looks like death might be a more plausible end to today?s events.



Demonsguile: Speak for yourself gimp! I?m going t---



The Immortal One raises his sword in the air and cuts Demonsguile quite literally in half, the two halves bursting into flames.



Thedeacon: I think I?m going to----



Storm guild member #5465486748: There he is! Get ?im!



The Immortal One (looking surprised): OH @#$%, STORM!



The next ten seconds are a mix of howling, gunfire and looting noises



Storm guild member #123535465445667: HAHAHAHA I got his sword. Gimpy mp MOB.



Storm guild member #434564644667863443534666765432 (holding a small brass jar): Hey guys, wtf is this?



Storm guild member #53456654432452: Dude that?s a funeral urn. Some dude?s dead ashes are in there. It?s crap. Give it to that dork over there (points to Thedeacon)



Thedeacon: PHAT LEWT!!!



Storm Guild member # 3245485473584723856476567551245236278: Er, actually not lol. It?s pure crap, so it must belong to a Metaphysicist. Later chump. Mokiez Plz.



Thedeacon examines the worth of the funeral urn before tossing it on the ground. For good measure, he nukes the urn with his new Saemus? Crystalizer.



Thedeacon: Stupid urn. Stupid crystallizing nuke. Stupid eight foot tall Skeleton with sickle and?



Thedeacon?s pet, Revenant: My powers are at your disposal, master.



Thedeacon: !



Meanwhile?..



Metaphysical Demon: So that?s it? You?re not going to give me your number or tell me that you?ll call me? Nothing?



Veteran OT Spy: Fool! Could you not see that I was using your sweet Demon loving just to get a sample of your DNA to use to create a SUPERIOR Metaphysicist pet?



Metaphysical Demon: Pfft. Good luck with that, girlie. NOBODY humps a table like me! Well at least you?re female. I?m feeling a lot less Omni now.



Veteran OT Spy casts Nanoprogram: Advanced Superior Extreme Face Graft and Metaphysical Demon?s eyes widen and turn to horror



Metaphysical Demon: Oh fekk. Damn Omnis.



Meanwhile?..



Enmity Personification: I got another one, Bela! Look, Remains of **Level 6 Nanotechnician** PVP enabled noobs rock!



Belamorte: That good and all, but weren?t we supposed to be trying to find Deacon and the missing Metaphysicists?



Enmity Personification: Remember that time Deacon was in the mission with us and we were fighting that Real Mean Bully?



Belamorte: Actually I do. He sent us in the room with the bully and then ran like his pants were on fire.



Enmity Personification: Uh-huh.



Belamorte: But what do we tell Deacon when he gets back?



Enmity Personification: Bah, that gimp is probably dead already. He?s nothing without us.



Belamorte: I know that, but what do we say to him?



Enmity Personification: Same thing we always do when he dies. ?Hello master, glad you?re back? and then we tell him how weak he is when he tries to give us a command.



Belamorte: Why, my dear Enmity Personification, I do believe this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. Shake on it.



Enmity Personification (holds out a tentacle and shakes Belamorte?s tentacle): Bela, has anyone ever told you how soft your tentacles are? Bela isn?t exactly a BOY?s name either?



Belamorte: *blushes* Oh Enmity Personification, I never did say I was a boy?.



Meanwhile?..



Metaphysical Demon: Deacon LOVES me! He?s never ditch me for some cheap knockoff pet, especially if it requires time and effort to acquire it. He?ll keep casting me and ***** about the new pet in the forums!



Meanwhile?.



Thedeacon (admiring his new skeletal pet): Screw the Demon! You rock!



Revenant: Let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master



Thedeacon: Er, right?.So what is it you do exactly?



Revenant: I freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master



Thedeacon: Um, okay. Wanna grab a Bronto Burger? I gotta show yo off to the two people that might actually give a damn.



Revenant: This Bronto Burger of which you speak shall not slake the hunger for vengeance, master. Let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master



Thedeacon: You?re really hung up on the whole ?soul freezing thing, aren?t you?



Revenant: The delicious strips of bronto meat get caught in my rib bones, master



Thedeacon: Hm, I suppose that does kind of suck.



Revenant: Can we commence with the freezing of the souls thing master? I mean, like soon?



Meanwhile??



Metaphysical Demon (wandering Tir County): Stupid new pet. Deacon DOES love me, he would never get rid of me. The Demon pound puts a lot of unwanted Demons to sleep. Deacon would never let THAT happen to m----Belamorte? Enmity Personification? What are you?



Belamorte (cradling a baby Anger Manifestation in his?er HER tentacles): He has your eyes, Enmity Personification?



Enmity Personification (cradling a baby Sanoo heal pet): Call me ?Billy? honey.



Metaphysical Demon: Belamorte??? Enmity Personification???



Enmity Personification: Billy. That?s ?Billy?.



Meanwhile in Tir County??.

Thedeacon: I think I?m going to name you ?Boner?



Revenant: Please do not do that master. Let us instead depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe



/pet Revenant rename Boner



Thedeacon: ?I?ve got a bone to pick with you?. Come on, say it!



Boner: ?





Thedeacon: SAY IT. I?m your master now, damnit.



Boner: I. Have. A?..bone?..to pick with you.



Thedeacon: Say it with FEELING man! You?re not worthy of the name ?Boner?. You suck.



/Pet Boner rename Revenant



Revenant: I am not getting paid enough for this.



Thedeacon: Oh shut up and---and----WHAT IN MOCHAM?S NAME IS GOING ON HERE??



Enmity Personification: DEACON!



Belamorte: Deacon?



Sanoo: Deackywooobrbrbrb



Anger Manifestation: GAGGAGAGABABABAB *poop*



Belamorte: Awwwww, baby made his first stinky winky



Metaphysical Demon (wipes a tear from his eye): Deacon? So it?s true?You?I..



Thedeacon: Er, hi there Metaphysical Demon. This?I mean him (points to Revenant) This?isn?t what it looks like.



Metaphysical Demon: I don?t want to hear any more. You don?t have to explain.



Thedeacon (wraps his arms around his big pet): There there now. I still love you.



Revenant (shuffles his feet uncomfortably): Um, would you two like to be alone for a little while? Perhaps I shall depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe?or something



All pets, except for Metaphysical Demon: You do not give us the attention we deserve master. Terminating.



Thedeacon: Well it seems I sure managed to **** things up a bit?



Metaphysical Demon (on the verge of tears): It?s just---just---oh screw this! I?ve had about enough for one lifetime!



Metaphysical Demon unzips his skin to reveal Thomas ?Cz?



Cz: You are really one sick bastard, do you know that, Deacon?



Thedeacon: HOLY NANOBOTS! All this time, you were?were a man in a pink rubber suit like everyone told me you were???



Cz: That?s right, buddy. I am SO out of here it?s not even funny! Keep your little pet, I?m going to go nerf an engi!



Cz walks toward the south gate



Urban Guard Patroller: YOU JUST MADE A BIG MISTAKE, CZ!



Cz: Oh fekk.



Thedeacon: That was?.disturbing. But somehow explains quite a bit.



Revenant: ?Disturbing does not even begin to describe half of what I?ve learned of you in the past hour. Now let us depart from here and freeze the souls of the unbelievers with my scythe, master



Thedeacon: You sure are hung up on the whole ?freezing soul with scythe thing?, aren?t you? I still like ?I have a bone to pick with you better?.



Revenant: And I like being a smouldering pile of ashes in the urn better, master. Nothing personal of course.



The newly formed duo walks toward the south gate, where Revenant begins slowly grinding his bones (get your minds out of the gutter) against the stone pillar



Revenant (grunting softly): Unbeliever pillar. Why dost thou tempt me so? Master, tell me of the ?Evocation? nanos. Fill me with their sweet power.



Thedeacon: OH MOCHAM. Here we go again!









?.And what became of our friend, Balbuto the Gibberer you ask?



Balbuto the Gibberer (wandering aimlessly from Greater Tir County in Varmint Woods): Always forgets about the mezz pet?.ALWAYS. There?s a nice man, maybe he knows where Deacon is. That?s a mighty big axe he?s carrying?



Jack ?Legchopper? Menendez: YOU CAME HERE TO DIE?



Balbuto the Gibberer: Oh fekk.





THE END!!!
WoW: Firetree's #1 Ganking undead priest

Offline Reevja

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2003, 10:39:21 AM »
deacon u pwn

Offline Boicey

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2003, 03:27:08 PM »
That is such a funny read!



PWN!
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Razorwolf? - 220 Soldier
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Razorwolf's setup http://auno.org/ao/equip.php?saveid=39905

Offline Skyn

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2003, 10:48:33 PM »
Gotta hand it to ya Deac...U R a literary genius!...took 3 hours of my miserable work day to read this one!...TY :D
Hey look, it's bong thirty!

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Offline Trimby

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2003, 11:49:07 PM »
weeee :)

i read it all :)



and now i want more :)

Offline Okonkwo

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #6 on: April 23, 2003, 07:08:35 PM »
"CZ: Im going to go nerf an engi."



Hahahahaha  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
life is messy...



Okonkwo

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Offline Sagridis

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2003, 09:39:44 PM »
I'm suing for serious injury, Deac.



You made me crack 3 ribs and throw my back out. Oh, and it hurts to breath!
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Offline Tenzis

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #8 on: May 04, 2003, 10:47:25 AM »
I read this story while i was in School damn funny ;)



great job on it
There is a time for everyone, but that time can come faster if you step on a fixers foot.



SpawnyTenzis The Most Evil Fixer In The World And Goddess of War



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Offline Phoenix

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Evocations and furniture - A demon's Fetish! parts 1-8
« Reply #9 on: May 04, 2003, 11:38:46 AM »
not cool of you makin fun of MA's..





 :roll:

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